My Habit of Sabotage
It’s funny how my mind works. I’m sharing this experience because I don’t think I’m the only person that has a Simon Bar Sinister on one shoulder saying crap like, “Look, you lost 9 pounds, now I’m going to get you with my brownie ray gun and shoot brownies into your mouth.”
OK. Maybe he didn’t shoot them into my mouth and maybe what really happened is I thought, “Go to the store get something for the kids for dinner and … oh… get them those brownies as a treat” Because Yeah, 3 kids need a container of 90 brownies. right?
You see, that my friends is called… self sabotage.
I’m not going to spend too much time talking about WHY I celebrated my 9 pounds of weight loss (1 little pound away from a clean 10) by doing something to ensure that I wouldn’t be celebrating for long… but I did.
And, I noticed that while I did eventually track the debauchery in my weight loss journal … I didn’t immediately. (continuing with my Underdog analogy) the Underdog on my right shoulder whispered for hours reminding me that I needed to put everything in my weight loss journal to track how much I had really eaten that day. WHY then did it take me so long to add it to my tracker?
I will say, that in the 2 (almost 3) weeks I’ve been diligently chronicling my food intake this is the first time that I didn’t quickly and easily track what I was eating. It was the first time that I was almost swayed into submission and turned back to my old (and faulty) eating habits.
You might know the habit, of which I speak: popping anything you want into your mouth. A little bite of this, and a little bite of that… And that “well… what’s done is done” feeling of failure to keep on track. And that, my friends, is a slippery slope.
WHY would my mind sabotage?
To be honest, I tell myself I love who I am, every part of me… and yet, here I am trying to change something.
That anomaly seems to be a driving force… so I have to be truthful, I don’t like how I look, I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like a lot of things that have to do specifically with my weight. I love me, but not my weight. There I said it.
Apparently my brain won’t abide by a lie. It can’t believe that I am in love with who I am and every part of me, and also support me in trying to change that person. So, I have a new story. I love who I am, everything about myself, except my weight. AND it’s my weight that I’m going to change.
Our brains are crazy things, and I’m not Doctor, I can only share my experience.
I don’t think it’s fat shaming, because I don’t care what anyone else thinks… this is me looking in the mirror, buying clothing at the store and making food choices, getting older, having trouble climbing stairs, unable to get off the floor without climbing up on something… (the list goes on)
I have to be clear that I love who I am, just not my weight.
I mean, I am the ONLY PERSON on the planet that can stop me from buying brownies. Right now, I am the ONLY PERSON in the world that will put food in my mouth.
Regardless of WHY I’m making it harder on myself, I have to take responsibility and not blame, stress, the drive home, the fast and convenient junk food or … Simon Bar Sinister on my shoulder urging me to purchase a 90 pack of fresh baked brownies “for the kids”.
What do you think?
Do you recognize any self sabotaging behavior in your dieting?
Have you come up with ways to work around those moments of sabotage?
I’m really looking forward to your comments.
Have an amazing day!